How do you get enough money to leave an abusive relationship? What financial help is there and how do you access it?

***Trigger warning***

It was originally written in 2016 but has been updated in 2023.

Some of the information is specific to Australia e.g. specific links but the overall tips apply almost anywhere.

It may cause triggers, although we tried to keep it relatively neutral.

To be clear, abusive relationships are not limited to physical abuse. Financial, emotional and all forms of abuse are included.

Also, anyone can experience abuse.

It is not limited to heterosexual relationships or a man doing it to a woman.

Leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult for numerous reasons including personal safety, emotional turmoil and financial issues.

In many abusive relationships, the abusive partner has control of the finances and leaves the abused with no money, no options or worse still, with all bills and debt in their name and no way to get rid of it all.

Disclaimer: These are options, not personalised advice for your own situation. These are things you can do, resources that might help and ways to financially help get out of or recover from an abusive relationship.

What you do is your choice and, if you can, seek professional help through counsellors, lawyers, police and financial advisors.

Financial Preparations for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Preparing to leave an abusive relationship is scary and risky.

Along with getting all your important papers together such as birth certificates, bills, bank statements, passports etc, you need to arrange your finances.

It is risky though so you need to be discrete.

Fee-free online only banks where you can deposit at the post office are good options. ING is one and offers a $100 sign-up bonus, Up Bank is another with $15 instantly when you open the account.

Why online accounts?

Online-only accounts as they are easy to set up instantly AND don’t send paperwork, other than the card to your home if you ask.

Meaning, less proof and a lower chance of them finding out.

However, your abuser may have installed spyware to track your movements, so be careful doing this.

*Trigger warning – a specific DV experience in italics below*

One time when I was preparing to leave, I opened a private bank account.

I explained my situation to the bank and all statements were to be kept at the bank, not sent to me.

They were never to call me and it was supposed to be completely confidential.

Unfortunately, they rang me and my now ex-husband (we were married at the time) happened to be home.

He was furious and forced me to go and close the bank account.

Because of my experience, I hesitate to suggest it.

If you Have Debt and Bills

There is help out there to assist with debt and bills, specifically for those in or trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Organisations are now well aware how severe financial abuse can be and how finances are often used to control people.

Speak with your bank and anyone you owe money to about your options and let them know it is an abusive situation.

There are options available, along with payments to assist in leaving an abusive relationship or after you have left.

Emergency payments from Centrelink and charities, plus financial counsellors to help with your situation.

Services Available

At a minimum, there is 1800 RESPECT you can call or check out the website.

Centrelink has an estimator where you can put your situation in to find out what is available to you. Each state has extra help available too.

The Thrifty Issue has a list of free money and vouchers plus where to get them.

When it comes to child support, let them know you are in a DV situation and allowances can be made regarding that but still ensuring you get the full amount from Centrelink.

Check with your bank and others as many have payments and other assistance available.

1. Get Cash out with the Groceries

If you pay by card, ask for an extra $20 out each time you do the groceries then store this cash in a secret place or buy a gift card.

The cash out often doesn’t show on the bank statement, only the total amount and where the purchase was made shows.

Check your bank though, as some list the cashout amount separately to the amount paid for groceries both in apps and on statements.

If your bank does this, it is not safe to withdraw cash like that without your abuser knowing.

Getting cash out was suggested by a reader and it is a great tip if it is safe with your bank.

Hide the cash somewhere it cannot be found such as a false-bottomed drawer, hollow out a section under your lounge or bed or somewhere else they will never look.

Or if you trust someone, hide the cash at their house along with your important paperwork, some clothes and other items in case you need to leave in a hurry.

Be careful though, if your ex checks receipts or your bank lists purchases separately to cash out, it can cause issues.

2. Do Cash Jobs

Look at ways you might be able to earn cash such as cleaning, gardening, babysitting, ironing, baked goods etc.

Check out 23 ways to make money on the side, 43 ways single mums can make money and 31 ways to make and save $200 or more!

3. Sell Items On Consignment

Do you have anything you can sell on consignment in stores?

You might be able to make beaded jewellery, soaps, candles or other items to stock in stores on consignment and have an arrangement where you collect your payments in cash.

Having cash on hand can make a significant difference when leaving.

If you can save it, hide it and take it with you, they won’t know how much you have and cash gives you some options.

You will still need a bank account to get somewhere to live and set up your life, but at least with cash, you can leave sooner and set these things up as soon as you’re out if needed.

Remember, while you might hope they don’t, many abusers will freeze or empty bank accounts which is why cash is often recommended.

4. Accrue Cash And Points

Join loyalty programs and sign up for online survey sites.

You can accrue cash in all of these and then cash it out when you leave.

It’s a subtle way to make some money on the side and not have it sitting in an account or at home where they might get it.

You can have them as apps on your phone or do them online.

Most people don’t think much of them but you can make a few thousand.

Market research sometimes pays in gift cards that you can store as well.

We have a list of online survey sites I have tested here.

Knowledge is Power When it Comes to Domestic Abuse

Learn all you can, in as safe a way as possible.

Use private browsing mode, and clear your search history and cache when you can to protect yourself.

Many abusers monitor all search history and devices.

Another option is to go to a friend’s house or use the library to search for the information you need.

Most sites with this information have a quick exit option. You click on it and it closes the site quickly.

1. Know What Help is Available

Women health centres are available in many cities and have community lawyers, counsellors, classes, meditation, naturopaths and other services for free or a minimal cost.

The assistance of community legal aid can prove to be extremely valuable when you are trying to leave.

It is not the same as having a lawyer on call for everything but they can help you plan things out and give advice to assist you in leaving or after you have left.

Some help includes free legal advice, free counselling, 10 free psychological visits on a mental health plan, parenting payment (if you are a parent), along with rent assistance and advance payments to assist with leaving an abusive relationship.

There are social workers, no interest loans, free food, bills paid and other financial assistance are all available to victims of domestic violence or anyone facing financial hardship.

Health centres, community legal centres, churches, charities and not for profits all provide different services.

Most of the time it is simply a matter of asking, outlining your situation and accepting the help offered.

Speak with the police to get connected to the right services as well. Be careful when you do though.

Also, check with your bank. Many offer a payment for those leaving abusive situations.

2. Find out the Documents you Will Need to Access Assistance

If you haven’t left yet, find out what documentation will make it easier.

For example, are you going to be eligible for payments from Centrelink and if so, what will you need to prove what has happened, how much you earn etc?

Get them together in one place so you can take them with you or store them somewhere else.

Also, scan and upload copies to a dropbox file.

While they are not the same as the originals, it will have all the information you need and some places will accept those files.

3. Get Advice ASAP

Talk to a lawyer, know your rights and what assistance is available to you.

Keep documentation of everything, and report abuse to the police. You can make reports without pressing charges so things are documents.

Police can also collect and keep all evidence for you without pressing charges e.g. messages on you phone, recordings etc.

They know it can be scary pressing charges and they also know these things can easily get lost or deleted so there is that capacity to have it all there before taking further action.

Speaking with police can be scary, they are there to help

If there are witnesses get them to provide statements as well and document what they can.

Do everything you can to protect yourself and your children if you have them.

Claims for Financial Assistance for Domestic Violence Victims

Most states have a service that is a financial payment for victims of violent crimes, which domestic violence falls under.

The assistance varies from state to state but can include a payment to you based on the crime, financial assistance for counselling, financial assistance for moving or costs involved with your safety and other costs that can be directly attributed to the crime.

Each type of assistance has a value attached to it and you do not have to claim immediately.

There is assistance to help you fill out the necessary paperwork, be prepared though as it can be traumatic going through the process.

Centrelink

In Australia, Centrelink is a safety net to help financially.

Last year they had 22 million unanswered calls. Be prepared for that.

We share tips on how to deal with Centrelink and making life possible on it here.

It is best if you arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible before talking to them.

Most things can be lodged or done online and this will speed up the process a little.

Check out how to survive on Centrelink for loads of tips.

To give you an idea, some of the payments you may be entitled to, depending on your circumstances include:
– Immediate domestic violence payment
– Parenting payment
– Newstart
– Rent assistance
– Carers payment (if you have children who are traumatised and need extra assistance)
– Family Tax Benefit A and B
– Childcare subsidy

It depends on your circumstances, income, assets, if you have children or not etc.

Once you get it, make sure you use the discounts available for concession card holders such as electricity, medicine and transport.

There is also child support. We strongly recommend you go through the child support agency for this and never rely on it coming in.

At least if you go through the child support agency it is all on record and documented, not just them vs you.

Be Gentle On Yourself

This situation is not your fault.

You have done the best you could and if you are reading this you either have taken steps to leave or are about to and for that we applaud you.

You are stronger than you can possibly imagine.

Be gentle on yourself. Don’t blame yourself.

Allow yourself to cry and feel your emotions.

Allow yourself to get whatever help you need and don’t rush yourself.

This is a slow process. Take it one day at a time.

Also, you aren’t alone. Many have gone through it or are going through it.

You can read about some experiences of others, their regrets and tips for finances and divorce in this post, including some quotes from me.

The Legal Process

Kylie Travers shares tips for how to afford custody and legal fees.

As for winning in court with anything such as protection orders, there are some key things that help.

How you dress and appear matters, bowing to the crown as you enter and exit the courtroom and other small things like that make a huge difference.

Read all my tips for court to help you win, these have made a difference for many people when in court for custody, protection orders, breaches etc.

Extra Advice for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

The following was shared regularly on Facebook so we have included an edited version of it.

This covers how to leave an abusive relationship safely, or as safe as possible.

It might take time to plan and prepare but it could save your life.

Document everything, be as safe as possible and plan as best you can.

Get anyone else involved to document where possible too.

Banking

– Open a new bank account with a new bank, ensure that statements are online only and to a new email address that isn’t linked to your phone.

ING offers a $100 sign-up bonus and is online only (but you can use Australia Post to deposit etc).

Up Bank is backed by Bendigo, has been around for years and offers $20 as soon as you join.

– Pick up the card from the bank and hide it well.

Amongst the abusers things is usually safe, as they won’t go looking there.

Otherwise under the sole insert in a shoe, unused board game, at work, there are many places.

But if you live with an abuser, I am sure you have a good hiding spot already.

– Do not download the banking app to your phone!

If you have downloaded it to join, delete it AND delete any evidence of it in Apple or Playstore and in My Activity (type that into Google and it will come up).

Be extremely careful about how you do all of this and make sure all traces of you doing this are deleted.

Better yet, use someone else’s phone or computer to do it so there is no evidence of it on yours because abusers often track it all.

– Start putting what you can in that account.

Any birthday money from friends or family, an unnoticeable amount from your wage (talk to work/Centrelink), don’t transfer to this account yourself.

And any change you find around the house – a 600ml bottle of coke full of 2 dollar coins will save $1000

– CBA will give you 1k to escape domestic violence, but only if you are a customer. If you are not already, set up your account there.

– If you have debit/credit cards, report them stolen so the abuser can’t access them once new numbers are provided.

– Finances to rely on are a must to ensure you don’t break and run back to fake promises.

Phone

Buy a cheap phone for under $100 and a spare sim, set that up and hide it, fully charged.

You will need this when you turn your main one off to ensure he can’t contact or track you.

It is one of the first things many shelters require, that your phone be wiped or switched off to avoid being tracked.

Possessions

– Start sending important things that won’t be noticed missing to loved ones, work or storage.

Things like photos, jewellery, ID, passport etc and not all at once, this is over time.

– For any clothes you can’t carry in a bag, but you want to keep, do a “clean out”, say you are donating them and get them somewhere safe.

– If you can, start selling things worth value that you don’t need and will not be noticed as missing, put that money in your new account.

Work

– If you work, tell your boss what is happening so that they can be understanding for when the time comes, and also so the abuser can’t sweet talk information out of your colleagues.

– Some workplaces provide DV leave, or you could take it under compassionate leave.

– If you work for a corporation, ask for a transfer.

– If not, have your working hours randomized for a while to ensure you don’t have a continuous or steady work schedule.

Centrelink

Let Centrelink know of your plans and fill out any necessary paperwork required for your future change of circumstances.

If you are moving to single parent payments, get the ball rolling as it can take a few weeks to finalise on their end.

And make sure all correspondence is sent to your new secret email address.

Family and friends

You may have lost some by this point, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t try and help you. Reach out, help is necessary, especially if kids are involved.

Housing

– If you are currently on a lease, talk to the agent privately as they can help you get off it.

– Start looking for somewhere once you know you are almost ready, the first agent may be able to help with this.

– Find donation groups to help you set up. If you put it out to Facebook, and have someone else act for you, otherwise it will be an easy way for the abuser to track you.

– Talk to churches, salvos, anyone that helps in this instance. If you have children, you will be fast-tracked.

– Move in with family or friends

– Talk to a refuge if the above options won’t work

DO NOT LOSE FOCUS, you are much closer to freedom than you think.

Police

Let the police know of your plan in case something goes wrong.

They can also help you get the remainder of your things at a later date.

Also file for a dvo but don’t have it put in place until you are out and safe!

Kids

– If you have kids, you either take them with you at the time, or have someone you trust do it.

– If they are at school, you need to let the school know in advance so that the abuser can’t collect them from there, ever. However, note that schools cannot enforce this without a court order but they can call if the other parent comes.

– You also need to get them out of that school early and not keep to your normal routine.

– Change schools if you need to.

– This advice includes preschool

Animals

If you have pets talk to your local RSPCA or Re homing group as they will find a free foster carer to care for you animals until you are settled.

Planning your escape date

Find a day that the abuser will be away for a few hours.

Be nice leading up to the event, plan the weekend, dinner etc.

This will keep the abusers paranoia low, they will think they have you right where they want you.

Packing

Don’t pack unnecessary crap!

You don’t need more than one brush, you don’t need your toiletries – they can all be replaced.

ESSENTIALS ONLY! Bags are heavy.

You want to be hours ahead before the abuser realises what’s happened.

Do not linger, that home is not your happy place.

Leaving

By now you should have money in your accounts and a new phone.

Your kids and pets organised, your irreplaceable belongings should be safe elsewhere, and you should know exactly where you are headed once you close the door on this chapter of your life.

Once you are out

– Change all internet banking passwords

– Change all social passwords

– Change all the email addresses linked to your social accounts to the secret one you set up

– Change PayPal passwords etc

– Block on all social media

– Block the abusers number

– Turn that phone off and turn on the spare phone

– Contact anyone you need to from the new phone and keep your number on private

– Change your name on social media along with your profile picture (something generic)

– Block anyone who is friends with both of you

– Get a PO Box and get your mail redirected

The abuser is the most dangerous when they realise they have lost control of their possession (you).

Changing all of your social media settings and names is a must, as it is too easy to find anyone these days. If the abuser still finds you, close down all accounts (even temporarily), you can start fresh ones.

The abuser will try anything and everything, even suicide threats to get your attention. Do not fall for the games as the abuser is just craving any information on your whereabouts to feel like they are gaining some control back.

It is vital that you cease all contact until you are strong enough to not believe the lies that the abuser will use to lure you back.

And you know it’s lies, do not sprinkle glitter on your feelings.

You are worth more than that!

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